Only Connect

A beam of white light touches a prism and suddenly both are transformed by a flood of colour.

   

Connection is fear and longing. It leaves me shaken but nourished. How could you ever predict who will utter a word of the language spoken in the deepest recesses of your mind? An ordinary person touches the pressure point unlocking a place you keep hidden and when you look up they are ordinary no more.

And you are soothed in wounded places. And you scratch at them.

Weight of the most powerful life force. They taught me that Namaste was the way of saying “I greet the part in you where we are one”.

And you talk for six hours.

And as you dance the music enters two bodies like a breath. You are suspended in time and space.

And a stranger speaking in a crowded room fills you with such emotion that you don’t trust yourself to reply.

So you rub desperately at the rawness inside you - as if a visceral reaction, any more than an overplayed thought, could possibly offer protection from the corrosive nature of your own self-doubt.
  

---

A hand shifts our birdcages around. Some are brought closer. Some move apart. Do not try to reason it out. Be conscious of who draws you, and who not.

International Women's Day

I wish that there did not have to be an International Women’s Day, because the very premise of equality should be that no one group is singled out for special treatment. I wish that a truth which should be self-evident – that we are all equal in our value, regardless of gender, nationality, sexual preference, political persuasion or who our favourite Beatle is – was manifest in the world we live in.

To me, equality is not about trying to make everyone the same – it is about respecting pluralism and giving people the right to have choice and agency in their own lives. And tragically, so many people around the world are still denied this. Why focus on empowering women above other marginalized groups?

Firstly because gender inequality is so pervasive. Women are subject to judgement, scrutiny and a lack of equal opportunities everywhere from the boardrooms of the wealthiest companies to the homes of the most poverty-stricken villages, from government offices around the world to the shops, restaurants and streets of every country.

Secondly because this gender inequality has a negative impact on every other crisis we are facing globally. Undermining the choices and rights of women is not only unethical – it is helping to compound and worsen every problem faced by humanity. Empowering women helps economic growth, improves the health of communities, reduces violence, helps to stabilize population growth and helps with resource allocation (feeding hungry mouths, etc).

Every person should be able to make choices about their own body, who they marry and when. Everyone should be given the chance to receive a good education and to choose what they want to do with it – whether this means working and generating an independent income, using the benefits of that education to raise a healthy, well educated family or both. Nobody should have to live in fear of violence or discrimination – especially not for wanting to live in a world where they have autonomy and agency in their own lives.

Too many people are not given these opportunities. Too many women especially.

So for as long as there needs to be an International Women’s Day – and a Women’s History Month – for us to draw attention to these issues and speak out about them, it makes me hopeful to see how many people have their eyes facing forward, on all the things we still have to work on, but also how many are taking the time to celebrate the strong women in their lives – and the strong men who are not threatened by strong women, but want to work together to build a world where every person has the ability to freely choose how they want to live.

I celebrate all the indomitable women I know and have known. My adventurous mother, who travelled to the UK from New Zealand in her twenties and made a life for herself in an unknown country, little knowing she would one day inspire a daughter to do the same. My beautiful and fierce sister, who has been scaring people who tried to give her crap since she was three years old (and has only got better at it with time). My two grandmothers, whose lives have been so different, but who have handed down to me directly and through my parents the values of hard work, treating people fairly, being part of a community, appreciating what you have and never, ever giving up. My boss, whose great passion in life is women’s empowerment and who earlier today held a conference room full of people completely attentive, rendering them virtually speechless, when talking about it. Um Abdallah: she can electrocute rats, undergo an operation, work nine hours, manage her family and still find time to joke around with me – all in a day’s work. The many smart, creative, unconventional, funny, irreverent, soulful, questioning, compassionate women I know – often deeply stressed and not sure if they’re getting it completely right (who is?) but still so full of inner power.

I also celebrate the many men I am lucky enough to know who support equality in all its forms by supporting the rights of women and being our advocates and partners. My father, who has always supported every (seemingly crazy) career decision I’ve ever made and the change of country it has entailed – even if he didn’t agree with them. An old and dear friend who was the first man I’d ever met to openly proclaim he was a feminist. The incredible guys of Dignity Without Borders, Tahrir Bodyguard, Shoft Ta7arosh, OpAntiSH and others who risked their safety to help ensure that Egyptian women had the same opportunities to have their voices heard as their male counterparts. Men who support the women in their lives to make their own decisions about their education and career prospects and who proudly celebrate their successes. Men who are not afraid to question established beliefs about gender roles and enter into discussions about equal opportunities – even when they know they might receive a tirade from frustrated feminists.  

I can’t wait for the day when International Women’s Day isn’t needed because equality for all is enshrined in our institutions, our ideology and our behaviour – but until that day comes, happy International Women’s Day everyone. 

Detox: all about the juice

They don’t call me Juicy Lucy for nothing.

The last five days have consisted of purely liquid lunches (and breakfasts, and dinners) – and not the decadent, can’t-walk-in-a-straight-line-once-you’ve-finished-them kind.

The cleanse part of the program involves consuming five “meals” a day: vegetable juice for breakfast and mid-morning; soup at lunch and dinner; and a smoothie mid-afternoon. All are made by Anni and hand delivered to your door. Along with this, you drink warm lemon water first thing in the morning, a lot of herbal tea and at least two litres of water.

Of all this, the soups in particular have been a revelation: thick, spicy, flavoursome. I love soup anyway and this has given me great ideas for flavour combinations. Because the idea is to cut out salt, the flavour comes from herbs and spices; and the taste of ginger, cumin or coriander only enhances the flavour of the tomato, beetroot, carrot, pepper and other base ingredients. The soups change daily and this, along with the fact that I’m allowed to heat them, has made them the uncontested food highlight of each of the five days.

And by “food highlight” I do of course mean “overall highlight” because something that has really been hammered home to me throughout this whole process is quite what an important place good food has in my life. Not only is the relationship between food, physical energy levels, sleeping patterns, focus and mood much stronger than I had really realised previously, the psychological impact of eating food I enjoy is huge for me.

Food and sleep have become my drugs of choice. I am so rock n’roll.

Without wanting to sound too evangelical (and please don’t call me Gwyneth), I am really amazed by how much better I feel since I’ve started doing this. My skin is softer; my eyes are brighter and less puffy; I wake up more easily and can go an entire day without yawning. My mind is sharper; and now that the period of turbulent emotions seems to have passed I am making better decisions, focusing more easily, less troubled and preoccupied than usual. I feel lighter, more playful; I have more appetite.

Which is good because tomorrow I’m back on solid foods and the prospect of eating avocado and nuts in my salad is the source of great anticipation. I’ll probably pass out the day I’m finally allowed a burger.

Detox: the fluctuations

Pre-tox (aka the period of blissful ignorance)

This is the gradual weaning-off period, where over the course of four days you try to prepare your body for the barrage of nutrients it’s going to be ingesting – and more importantly for the absence of all the crap it’s used to.

Day 1 saw me drink my last cup of coffee with ceremonial deliberation and hold a kind of impromptu hen party with Rasha (a lot of beer; no male strippers) to say goodbye to my old habits.

Days 2-4 involved a gradual reduction of all the food and drink that needed to be cut during the detox, which I undertook with all the nonchalance of one destined to be felled by hubris. Thai beef curry …who needs you? Bread and peanut butter? I laugh in your face. Chorizo and batata? I could give you up anytime.

I am now seeing so many batata carts as I walk around the city, I suspect they might be a mirage. Meanwhile my poor bemused colleagues have got used to my plaintive face as I ask to inhale their open jars of peanut butter and steaming cups of coffee, treating me with the cautious sympathy you would reserve for someone who’s just on the brink of losing the plot.

Days 1-4 (aka the period where pride comes before a fall)

The first day of the proper detox program I admit felt easy. The way the program is structured means that you eat regularly, so unlike a lot of dieting or even fasting, hunger pangs are not really part of your experience. Breakfast is a mixture of fruit supplemented by vegetable juice (prepared by Anni and delivered to your door); you snack mid-morning – fruit or nuts; lunch (also with vegetable juice) is a salad with some protein; mid-afternoon you drink another juice, this time sweet; dinner is another salad. You are encouraged to vary the fruit and veg you consume, as you will be getting different vitamins from each item. You are also advised to eat organic food, as an essential part of the detox is eliminating any chemical residue from pesticides.  

All went well until the evening, when I decided to go for a walk. In 30 minutes of meandering through Cairo’s streets, you would imagine I would have encountered enough to keep my mind off food.

You would be wrong.

I walked past the Yemeni restaurant, Hardees, Pizza Hut, shops selling nuts, shops selling sweets. They might as well have been calling me by name. Before long, I had Yemeni bread, curly fries and pieces of baklawa dancing along the street next to me. I’m telling you, those carbohydrates know how to move. They are funky. Were they real? I was certainly in no position to judge.

After that low point, things stabilised.

There are definitely worse things to be eating every day than fresh fruit and vegetables. And once you know that salad is basically all you’ll be eating for three weeks, it turns out you become a lot more creative about what you put into it. You discover combinations you had never realised would be so delicious – like strawberries and basil, delectable when eaten together. You also learn weird and wonderful facts with which to dazzle others in the future (ahem). Whoever knew for example there were so many different kinds of lettuce, and that some of them could be almost creamy in texture or have bright red stalks?

The most immediate, and most welcome, surprise was how much and how well I started sleeping. Having struggled to fall asleep unless absolutely exhausted for all of my adult life, I suddenly found myself sleeping easily and deeply – and for long, long periods. It was almost as though a switch had been flipped in my body, telling it that now was the time to catch up on the 15-year sleep debt it’s been walking around with. And now my body just wants to sleep all the time – although when I’m awake I feel more alert than I have in ages.

Days 4-8 (aka the period where I just don’t know what’s going on)

After a few days of essentially hibernating at home, it became necessary to interact with the real world – and not just by going to work. There were birthday parties to go to, friends to see, things I needed to take part in.

I rarely think of myself as having a will of iron, but really after this period they will have to name a new house after me in Game of Thrones.

Test number one – work event at the GrEEK Campus, hosted by Abraaj. Voya and I enter a room in which there are probably more glasses of wine and juice than there are people. “Mmmm, imported beer” Voya effuses, while I sip my water and try not to look like Scrooge. Later as we leave, Voya eschewing the free food in a gesture of solidarity, the manager of the GrEEK Campus comes running after us to ask why we are leaving before we’ve eaten. I growl inwardly.

Test number two – Rasha’s (first) birthday party, at her house. I arrive with my large salad and start munching it while we await the birthday girl and everyone else awaits pizza. People keep asking me, innocently, why I’m dieting and I keep trying to explain that it’s a detox intended to increase energy. I sense that my constant yawning is not helping my cause. My friends are kind people but they can’t resist waving pizza, luxury chocolate cake and beer under my nose gleefully. “Trust me – I’m a doctor” Wael says, eyes gleaming.  

Test number three – Rasha’s (second) birthday party, a salsa night. This night is essentially a blur of faces and hugs, the occasional drink being waved at me in friendly deliberate provocation. I start crying for no discernible reason as I’m getting ready to leave. Strange times.

The see-sawing emotions and the craving for sleep as if it’s an incredible drug continue for days, accompanied by vivid, perplexing dreams. I honestly can’t remember my sleep being this refreshing and restorative since I was a child and when awake I find I’m much more capable of focusing and remembering information than usual. Whatever is going on in my head, it’s clear that there is some deep processing taking place, as my mind and emotions try to sort out my feelings about incidents old and new.  

Detox: the decision

I’ve decided to go on a detox.

I like to think of my relationship with food as a love affair. There is passion, yearning when I am deprived of a food I’m craving, intense satisfaction when the desire is fulfilled, the occasional bad experience that shakes me to my core, making me wonder if I’ll ever enjoy food again…and then before I know it I’m back in the saddle, feasting once more.

But lately, the relationship has been turning sour. I first noticed it during Ramadan, when daily fasting plays havoc with my body anyway. It got me thinking about how much what we do (or don’t) feed ourselves affects our every waking moment. It occurred to me that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt truly energised, nor could I shake the feeling that a general inertia, or sluggishness, interspersed with occasional mania, was the normal state of being not just for me but for many of the people I know. The feeling that every activity was an effort to be psyched up for, physically and mentally, and that a nap would always be welcome. A feeling that I’m certain I’m not supposed to be experiencing with such regularity this side of fifty.

Like many people, I consider myself healthy. Healthy enough, anyway. I eat vegetables. I go to the gym. I dance. I don’t binge eat Lindt chocolate bunnies (except at Easter).

But I hardly ever get enough sleep. 2am on a weeknight is not a rarity for me, or anyone in Cairo – truly the city that never sleeps. My days and nights are constantly crammed with activities. My time is badly organised. Otlob (Egypt’s online food delivery service) is both my best friend and my worst enemy; I order from it every day. I consume a lot of caffeine – sometimes more than six cups of tea and coffee in a day. Finally able to shake the shisha addiction I acquired shortly after arriving here five years ago, I started smoking the occasional cigarette as a substitute. So nights spent with friends who smoke (many – this is also the city that never breathes clean air) quickly turned into beer and cigarettes for all.

This feels like Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Lucy, and I am not as healthy as I think I am.

So, I decided to detox. I felt that I needed to do something radical, to shake myself out of at least some of the bad habits, or at least reduce the impact they were having on my life. I’m sick of feeling tired all the time, of catching colds that last for a month and of feeling that many of the things I most want to be doing (writing, new ideas for work projects, further education, conversations) have to be put off to some indefinite time in the future when I have enough energy to tackle them. I have had enough of feeling as though I am sleepwalking through my life.

And there are more tangible health worries. Watching friends who have faced cancer scares, some very serious. The fear of aging. The realisation that despite growing up in the English countryside, surrounded by cats and horses, I have somehow in the last few years developed an allergy to both. Noticing that the hayfever I’ve had since I was a child now causes me to wheeze when the pollen count is really high.

Knowing that I stood no chance of sticking to the detox plan if I embarked on it alone, and wanting the guidance of someone I could trust, I contacted Anni, the founder of Pure Scandic, who I had met socially and who I knew offered tailored juice cleanses and detox programs. She recommended a 19 day program: seven days of a raw fruit and vegetable diet either side of a five day juice cleanse. Cramming my body to capacity with nutrients and eliminating all the bad (but delicious) things. Supplementing all the fruit and veg with some protein, but eliminating all meat, alcohol, caffeine, processed carbohydrates, added salt and sugar.

So this is what lies ahead of me for the next (nearly) three weeks. It’s quite a feat for a girl who would happily live on sticky rice and koshary if left to her own devices. Let’s see how this goes!